Why Jedi Live Longer Than Sith
by Kamia6
Summary: It's not necessarily because they're stronger... What really happened on the second Death Star with Luke, Vader, and the Emperor. No, really.


**Ok, I admit this isn't really that funny. It's hard writing humor when you're mildly depressed. Stupid boys...So, you know, if you want to help me feel better, you can review. No, I'm just joking. You don't have to review if you don't feel like it. Cause it really does kind of suck. Ok, enough of me being annoying. Read.**

"You've done a horrible job, my apprentice."

"Thank you, my master." Luke glanced at his father and the Emperor, confused. He wasn't aware that Palpatine lied. Constantly. It could get confusing and downright annoying at times, but luckily Vader had learned to live with his master's slight oddity. Of course, he always wished he had learned that small detail before he pledged loyalty to him and killed his wife. No, he hadn't learned about that until that.... incident with TFB's new spicy bantha legs and the skipping lilypads scented lotion. Ah, well. Strangely enough, he only lied in terms of saying the direct opposite of what he meant. It was some kind of system to make him feel better about himself as a person.

Meanwhile, Palpatine was thinking about Bethany. He missed her. Bethany had been his old therapist, the one Vader had hired to solve his 'Compulsive Lying Disorder.' Well, to be fair, Vader had hired Rebeka. Rebeka wasn't very much to look at though, so Palpatine had gotten rid of her. Then Vader had gotten rid of Bethany because he was jealous.

"I was not jealous of your stupid twi'lek therapist." "Hey! You're supposed to be looking around in my mind!"

"I wasn't. I can tell what you're thinking by the different expressions on your face." Luke remained quiet. This wasn't exactly how he had imagined the Sith to behave.

"Anyway, Young Skywalker... will you not be my apprentice?"

"I thought I was your apprentice." He sounded hurt.

"You are a wonderful apprentice. But frankly, no lies, it's just not working out. And believe me, it's not me. It's definitely you. I mean, you're just so force-damn annoying! You sit around and brood about dead people. And what is up with the black? You're more of a spring, you should wear more yellow to bring out those eyes." Palpatine told him, not so gently.

"I'm in a suit, no one can see my face." Vader said, incredulous. "And you're the one who picked out my armor," he reminded. Vader was not responding well to his criticism.

"I think he's more of an autumn," Luke piped up.

"How would you know?" demanded Vader.

"And would it kill you to keep a light saber for more than five seconds? It's one of my pet peeves. I mean, you have this perfectly good lightsaber and then you go break it or lose it or whatever. Really! it drives me insane." Palpatine didn't seem to notice Luke and Vader's comments, or maybe he was just ignoring them.

"Well so-orry."

"Well?" Palpatine asked.

"You're actually going to ask me?"

"It didn't work very well for this one," Palpatine told him, and jerked his head to Vader. "And what ain't whole don't... fix it? What doesn't break should be broken? Fix what's not broke? Don't not break what's fix ain'ted?"

"No." Luke proclaimed, proud. Palpatine gestured to Vader. Vader attacked Luke.

--several minutes later, after (not very) intense fighting--

Luke was panting heavily. Vader would be, too, but his breathing was regulated. He desperately tried to gasp in air.

_Stupid machine._

Palpatine was internally laughing. Cackling, more like. Luke used the moment to take off his hand.

"Oh, that was low."

Luke stared at Vader's disembered, sparking hand.

"Yeah, it was. Is that what the dark side does to you?"

"Not really," Palpatine said.

"Plus, it turns your eyes a cool shade of magenta."

"Red."

"I always thought it looked more magenta. Fuschia, maybe."

"I don't think you're color blind."

"Well, then it's a good thing I only own black. Think how embarrasing it would be to walk out in mismatching clothes."

Luke tried to salvage the moment, "I will not fight you. I am a Jedi, like my father before me." Then he threw his lightsaber to the side.

"Okay Vader, I won't keep you. He's better than you. He actually _threw_ his lightsaber away. Not on purpose." Palpatine told Vader.

"Yes! He likes me better. Take that!"

"Hey, Vader, look what I forgot!" Palpatine started throwing lightning around.

"Oh! That's cool. Teach me?"

"Yes."

"I'll give you a hug."

"No." Vader rushed forward to give him a hug.

"Ow! Lightning hurts." Palpatine accidentally threw some lightning at him.

"Aah! Put me up!" Vader dropped him. Down some sort of shaft.

"Uhm..." Luke stared as Palpatine fell, screaming.

"Oops," said a mortified Vader. "I can't believe I just did that...!"

The life support on his suit sparked as a result of the lightning.

_Boom_

"Dad?"

"I'm dying... If you ever write a book about this, be sure to say that I threw him down on purpose."

"Deal." And Luke promptly walked away.


End file.
